Sister

Today when I was laying Sophie down for her nap we were talking. She likes me to tell her what we are doing the rest of the day,  and the next day and so on. I think it is comforting for her to know ahead of time what the plan is.

Today when we were talking she said that she would like another little sister. This immediately made me cry. I said that I wouldn’t be able to have any more babies. She asked why. This is still something that I feel like I am grieving. Especially as Addie grows up and is no longer a baby.  If Brad were here, I would probably have already had another baby, or at least be pregnant now.  I choose not to think about this much because it is still a tender subject for me. After the accident I took a pregnancy test every week for 6 weeks and prayed that I would miraculously be pregnant and that it would be a boy – so I could have a little Brad running around.  That was not in the cards. I feel like, along with grieving for my best friend and soul mate; I am grieving for all the children that we never got to have here. I’m not sure how to make this go away, so I haven’t talked about it much.

So, Sophie surprised me today.  I explained to her that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby and that since Daddy was in heaven, there wouldn’t be any other little sisters or brothers.  She listened and said, I would really like a little brother.  I told her I would too and hugged her tight so she wouldn’t see my tears.

This is one subject that my only coping mechanism is to look at my beautiful, healthy daughter’s and be greatful that they WERE in the cards.  They are one of my only true sources of JOY.  If I did not have my children who needed me to be strong and happy and there for them, I know I would be a mess.

They each have much of their daddy in them. Tyler (even though Brad was her step-dad officially) reminds me so much of Brad. She is driven like he was and has this darling, fun sense of humor like he did.  They bonded doing all these goofy things – playing video games, soccer singing show tunes at the top of their lungs and watching geek movies like star wars and LOTR and any other superhero movies in marathon. She still sometimes will pull out “their” movies and have a little marathon on her own and I know that she is missing him and really isn’t “on her own”

Sophie was 2 1/2 when she lost her daddy. She was the ultimate daddy’s girl. If he were home, she insisted that he do everything for her – feed her, bathe her, put her to bed. It was so cute and even after a long day at work when he just wanted to sit for one minute – she just had to say – “daddy do it” and he would jump up and be her knight in shining armor. She still talks about him and how much she loves him and how much she misses him. I think this is a miracle in it’s own right – because she was so little, just starting to talk, when he died.

Addie is a spitting image of her daddy. I LOVE it. I am so glad I still get to see his smile. She is also a little spit-fire like he was  and is the family comedian and we all know just where she gets it from.

So I will try to be grateful instead of sad. Because I am so Blessed.

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